Thursday, September 26, 2013

How to Lock Yourself in Your Own Henhouse - A Redneck Cautionary Tale

Redneck Cautionary Tales are just that - cautionary.  Do not try this at home.  Be smarter than me.  It's not really all that hard to do.

I went out to feed one morning and I was short one duck.  Strange....everyone is locked in, safe and secure, but there's a duck missing.  After much investigation - enough to film a pilot for CSI:  Duck Pen - we determined that there's a new problem in town.

Raccoons.

In an effort to protect our remaining ducks and our other animals, we went around putting extra fasteners on just about everything.  One of our extra precautions is that now there is a hasp at the bottom of the henhouse door.  It goes over an eye bolt, and you just put a carabiner clip through the eye.  No raccoon is going to be able to open that...at least, I hope not.

The problem that I soon discovered in this setup is that the hasp is the swingy part, and it's on the door.  The door is also a swingy part.  So, when I went in the henhouse one morning to check on everyone, toss a little grain out into the run, all that, I shut the door behind me like I always do, and that hasp swung at the perfect arc to put itself right onto the eye bolt.

Do you see where this is going?

When I attempted to open the door, the hasp caught on the round-ness of the eye bolt.  Like, repeatedly.  I could not get it to slip off, no matter what I tried.  If that's not frustrating enough, every time I'd close the door completely, I could see that it was flat against the building and it would look like *this time*, it's going to clear the eye bolt. 

Nope. 

I'm going to have to live in here forever, because the screen window  (which is high, and small) on the henhouse points back toward the barn, not up toward the house.  All the windows on the house (the one with all the humans in it) are closed, too.  I could climb out into the chicken run, but there's really no point.  I mean, we reinforced that door too, so it's got three different fasteners on it, all on the outside.  I can't climb over, because the chicken run has a top on it to keep the hawks out.  Busting out through a side section is unlikely too, since we have cattle panels wired on all the way around over top of the poultry netting.  No...I am going to have to live here until they miss me. 

Eventually, Husband realized I'd been out there a while.  I'd had time to water everything, tend everyone, check the garden...all that and more.  Twice.  So he called out the back door for me.

"Laura!  You still out there?"

"I'm trapped in the henhouse!"

"What?  Where are you?"

"I'M TRAPPED IN THE HENHOUSE!!"  This is what I'm screaming toward the barn...you know, the wrong direction.  The chickens are not too happy with all this yelling, either.

I hear the screen door open, and a few minutes later, a very smile-y husband is looking at me through the wee little screen window on the henhouse. 

"Whatcha doin' in there?"  he asked, much too politely.

"Please just let me out...please.", I begged, trying not to laugh at how stupid this is.

He's a good guy, so he did let me out, thank goodness.  That freed me up to do all that other stuff - tend the rabbits, water the gardens, all that.  And one of these days, I'll probably change that hasp out for something different.  Amazingly, I haven't, so far.

I cannot recommend locking yourself in your own henhouse.  It's rather unpleasant on many levels, and it makes your husband laugh at you.

Just be glad it wasn't you,
-Laura at TenThingsFarm

If you have a Redneck Cautionary Tale that you'd like to see written up and shared with the world, send it to me at tenthingsfarm@gmail.com  I'll write up the ones that hit me upside the head just right, and then credit the person who shared with their first name, state and blog address, if you have one.  Send me some funny, y'all!

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